This letter began as part of a creative writing exercise for a university course focused on self-reflection, honesty, and emotion rather than perfect grammar or polished prose. I chose the topic because I’m approaching the twentieth anniversary of my move to Canada—a milestone that has prompted me to reflect deeply on the journey and on what I would say to my younger self before stepping onto that plane.
What began as an assignment became something far more personal. Writing it proved cathartic, healing, and unexpectedly revealing about the distance between the person I have become and the person I once dreamed, hoped, and believed I would be.
Dear Dave,
As you read this, you’re probably squeezing in every extra hour at work, trying to save a little more before heading to Canada to start your life with Jen. It’s hard to believe you’re only a few weeks away from leaving. I thought it might be worth writing to you from twenty years in the future, to offer a few words of wisdom, encouragement, and perspective as you step into this new chapter of your life.
First, I know you’re nervous about moving to the other side of the world. I mean, you’ve lived in the same bedroom your entire life, and now you’re not just moving out, you’re moving to an entirely different country! You were never one for half measures, were you?
But mate, I want you to know this: it’s going to be okay. She is more than worth it. You haven’t just found someone; you’ve found a partner who will love you deeply, someone loyal, hardworking, determined, and, like you, someone who loves Jesus. Together, you’ll see the world, experience incredible joy, face sorrow, dream together, and one day raise a family. Through it all, you’ll lift each other up and share tears and laughter, side by side.
Treat her as she deserves, with love, understanding, compassion, and grace. Always encourage her and guard her heart, reminding her that she is cherished, worthy, and enough just as she is. Don’t assume the worst of her motives. She is on your side and genuinely wants to see you succeed. Don’t let your insecurities obscure that truth. Be open and responsive. Honour the trust she places in you, and let her know every day that she is deeply treasured.
Also, she needs regular walks, not like a dog, but out in nature. That’s the kind of thing that speaks to her soul.
Now, you’ll have three amazing kids, each with their own incredible uniqueness, and they will constantly blow you away as they grow. They’ll be creative in their own ways, deeply empathetic and compassionate, funny, and yes, at times, sassy, especially the redhead. They will fill your life with more joy than you can imagine. You’ll be surprised by how much their taste in music matches yours. In fact, some of the similarities between you and your kids are a little frightening. There’s no doubt they’re yours.
And here’s a helpful parenting tip: learn to craft and thrift. You’ll thank me later, because your kids will love this kind of stuff.
Be present with your kids. Listen to them. Play with them. Have fun. Be patient with them. Advocate loudly for them. Be the shoulder they can cry on and the source of a warm hug when they need it. Your children will face their share of hardships. Be there for them. Again, and I cannot stress this enough, be present. Show them the hope you carry, and let it shine through you.
And Dave, don’t downplay your own story, faith, or upbringing when it comes to raising your kids. What shaped you matters too. Your experiences, your traditions, your perspective, and your faith deserve a place in their lives just as much as anyone else’s. There will be times when others insist that their methods, traditions, or beliefs are the only right way to raise a family. You’ll be tempted to shrink back, doubt yourself, and quietly defer to them.
Don’t be so quick to surrender your voice.
Your way of doing things is not necessarily wrong simply because it is different. Different does not mean inferior, and it certainly does not mean incorrect.
You carry more dignity and worth than you give yourself credit for. Don’t quietly surrender those parts of yourself in your parenting. They are part of who you are, and they are part of your children’s story too.
Be proud of where you come from, Dave. You come from good people, loving, caring people. You have so much to offer those around you. Don’t shy away from being genuinely yourself, and never erase who you are or where you come from. You are an important part of your small family’s story.
Next, take time for yourself. It’s okay, and you’ll be a better person for it. Keep fit and eat well. Keep your love of cooking alive: stick with those cooking lessons, experiment with new dishes, and never stop exploring new flavours and cuisines. Join a recreational soccer team. Take up lawn bowls. Go on regular hikes. Make it to trivia night at the local pub. And get that season ticket for the local soccer team sooner rather than later.
Get out and make friends. Find your people. Find your tribe. If you don’t, you’ll eventually feel the crushing weight of isolation and loneliness. It can make your world seem far smaller than it really is and even make home life feel like a kind of prison. It isn’t, but you need something that’s yours. Something beyond your family that fills you up and reminds you who you are.
Please talk to Jen and set a goal of earning your master’s degree. You might not feel that it’s important right now, or think you have plenty of time, but when you reach my age, you may find yourself carrying some regret for not pursuing that dream. She’ll understand how important it is to you.
Resist the pressure to become pushy simply because others around you are, or because they expect it of you. Be assertive. Speak clearly. Stand your ground when necessary, but never sacrifice your kindness, respect, or empathy in the process. In a world increasingly defined by division and outrage, be different. Treat people with dignity, and leave those you meet feeling seen, valued, and respected.
You will discover that, in many ways, entitlement runs deep in the culture around you. People will often behave as though being demanding and pushy is normal, even justified, and some will throw a public tantrum without hesitation when they don’t get their way. They will mistake aggression for confidence and petulance for strength, while dismissing kindness, humility, and empathy as signs of weakness.
Don’t become like them.
Grievance is the currency of the world around you. It is traded for power, used to fuel resentment, and too often becomes an excuse to withhold compassion and abandon the pursuit of the common good. Resist the temptation to live that way. Cultivate contentment. Practice gratitude. Seek what is good, not only for yourself, but for the people around you. Let your life be shaped by generosity rather than grievance, and by a genuine desire to see others flourish, not just for yourself and your family.
Don’t lose your faith, Dave. It will be just as important twenty years from now as it is today.
Church life in North America will be very different from what you grew up with back home. Some of it will be genuinely good. It will challenge you, shape you, and help you grow. You’ll learn a great deal, and you’ll meet incredible people who reflect the fullness of Christ and truly embody what it means to follow Him.
But faith can also become tangled up in power, politics, culture wars, and unhealthy people. You will become disillusioned at times. Some experiences will wound you deeply. There will be moments when cynicism feels easier than hope, when walking away seems simpler than staying.
Don’t let bitterness or anger take root. Hold on to Jesus, even when people claiming His name disappoint you.
Resist the temptation to become a “TheoBro.” Don’t choose rigid, cold theology over grace. Don’t get drawn into a world where hyper-masculinity, ideological certainty, and theological precision matter more than humility, compassion, and love. Conviction matters, but never let it eclipse your capacity for grace.
Don’t give up on the church. Don’t give up on Christian community. Find a community that reflects both your faith and your values, and where you and your wife can grow together.
Don’t let anyone make you feel lesser because your faith journey doesn’t follow a particular pattern or formula. It’s okay that your journey resembles the road to Emmaus far more than the road to Damascus. Faith is not measured by spectacle or emotional intensity. Sometimes Jesus is recognised slowly and quietly, from the breaking of bread and the long walk beside you.
Dave, pursue the contemplative more than the charismatic. You don’t need to chase spiritual highs, outward signs, or displays of spiritual power to validate yourself or to impress others. Learn instead to dwell quietly with God: to listen, to be present, and to recognise the sacred in the ordinary. Some of the most profound moments of worship you will ever experience will happen in the mundane, while washing dishes, hiking in the mountains, or sitting quietly with a coffee.
Remember, the Spirit is not absent from silence, gentleness, or ordinary faithfulness. More often than not, you will find Him most clearly there.
And while you will encounter the charismatic movement in ways that initially seem appealing, resist the pressure to conform. You will find that much of it is performative, driven more by emotionalism and the pursuit of power or significance than by a genuine desire to know God more deeply. At its worst, it can create a spiritual caste system that divides and excludes rather than welcoming people into God’s grace.
Similarly, exercise discernment with those who are overly attached to titles such as Pastor, or who are eager to advertise their own spiritual giftedness, especially those who repeatedly proclaim themselves to be prophets or emphasise a unique prophetic anointing. In many cases, such individuals lack the calling, theological maturity, spiritual wisdom, and Christlike character that genuine ministry requires.
More often than not, this kind of spiritual self-promotion functions as a grift, cultivating personal influence, authority, or financial gain rather than faithfully serving Christ. True servants of God do not seek to magnify themselves; they seek to magnify Him.
Sadly, you will experience this firsthand, even from some of those closest to you.
Now for the hardest part, Dave: don’t let the pursuit of love, acceptance, or approval from your in-laws consume you.
The truth is, you’re unlikely ever to receive the kind of acceptance you long for. Long before you arrive next month, assumptions have already been formed and decisions have already been made. Your upbringing, faith, experiences, and understanding of God will rarely measure up in their eyes. Because you do not conform to their ideals and worldview, you will likely never feel fully accepted by them.
From the start, they will criticise how you provide for your family. Your faith will be diminished and, at times, used as a weapon to shame you. They will question your salvation and undermine decisions you and Jen have prayerfully made, from adopting your daughter to pursuing ministry, to following where you believe God is leading you, all because those decisions do not align with their spiritual and political worldview.
They will prey on your desire to be loved and accepted, involving themselves in your life with little regard for boundaries or the harm they cause. Letters will be written, private conversations will be held, gossip will spread, lies will be told, and others will be drawn into the conflict. They may even reach out to your family back home in an attempt to influence your decisions and control the direction of your life.
Never expect an apology or any acknowledgment of the pain they cause. It will never come. They will deflect, justify, and hide behind faith rather than take even the smallest step toward reconciliation. Don’t expect much support from them either, especially emotional support. Their love and care will often feel conditional, withheld in pettiness whenever you fail to conform to their worldview and desires. When you or your family need compassion most, they are likely to be absent.
What took me years to understand is that much of the support they do offer is not really about supporting you or your family. More often, it seems tied to the significance, recognition, and sense of importance they derive from being seen as supportive. Public acts of generosity and service come far more naturally than the quiet, costly work of loving people when there is no audience, no recognition, and no medal waiting at the end.
They are not especially generous with their love, time, or resources when those things are needed most.
In fact, I’d encourage you and Jen to be intentional about building a strong local support network around your little family. Invest deeply in friendships, your church community, and the relationships that will become part of your life. Find people who will gather around you in seasons of need, people who show up with love, generosity, encouragement, and practical support. And strive to be that same kind of presence for them in return.
That is who you are at heart, and losing that desire to serve others would be a major regret.
You’ll need to find a way to live with the absence of remorse and closure that often accompanies this kind of cruelty. One of the hardest lessons is realising that not everyone is troubled by the pain and destruction they cause, and that accountability may never come through the consequences or boundaries you set in response to their behaviour.
Don’t carry all of this alone. Without support, it can feel like a necrotising wound, something that doesn’t simply hurt, but quietly festers, spreading and eating away at more of your soul when it’s left unattended. Confide in a friend you trust, or a good counsellor who can help you deal with the pain without being consumed by it, someone who does more than simply tell you to ignore what happened and move on.
You need to be wary of your father-in-law. Beneath the surface is a deep, quiet wrath that often expresses itself as disdain for people who see the world differently than he does. Much of it won’t appear openly hostile at first. Instead, it will reveal itself through subtle manipulation, control, quiet cruelty, and the steady erosion of your confidence and sense of worth, often framed in spiritual authority and moral certainty.
He has a way of reshaping events and acting as though nothing has happened, leaving you questioning your own memory and, over time, even your sense of identity.
Be wary, too, of actions that are justified in the name of the Holy Spirit, or framed as a pursuit of freedom, justice, or righteousness. Over time, you will learn that these claims are often a facade. What presents itself as spiritual conviction or a principled stand can instead be driven by entitlement and self-interest, by a self-serving sense of justice that is disconnected from righteousness, and by a deeper disbelief that leaves little room for eternal hope. Political interests, worldly ideologies, and the concerns of empire can become more important than the Kingdom of God and the way of grace.
Beneath such language of freedom and justice is often simply the rage of people who believe they have been denied what they deserve.
They will speak passionately about the injustices they see in the world, yet that concern will often disappear when the injustice has nothing to do with them. When you or your family are the ones being harmed by their actions, you will instead be met with silence. But that silence is not neutral. It protects what is happening and allows the harm to continue. They can become so consumed by the injustices they see elsewhere that they fail to recognise the injustice, cruelty, and grievous sin unfolding through their own actions.
You will gradually, and painfully, begin to recognise how much of the conflict around you has been shaped by your father-in-law’s influence behind the scenes. Eventually, subtle cruelty will give way to open condemnation, when he publicly trashes you and your family from the pulpit in a way you never expected from a believing family member. And once again, other family members will enable that behaviour, either through their silence or through their open support of his actions.
That moment will cut deeply, but it will also force into the light some painful truths you had spent years trying not to see.
None of this cruelty is your fault, Dave. It reflects who they are, what they value, and the condition of their hearts, not your worth, and not how the Lord sees you. Please don’t let them break your spirit the way I let them break mine.
And yet, despite all of this, I urge you to do your best to remain gracious. Maintain civility where it is possible. Model the love of Christ even in response to the pain they cause you. That will matter, not because they will necessarily recognise it or because it will bring about change in them, but because bitterness will slowly hollow you out if you let it take root.
This will be one of the hardest things you ever do.
Guard your heart against becoming hard or cruel in return.
Dave, please don’t chase their acceptance and love. That pursuit will almost cost you everything: your marriage, your family, your faith, your joy, your career, your future, and even your life.
It is not worth it.
Instead, pour your energy into building something beautiful with your own family. Focus on creating a home marked by love, safety, grace, laughter, and peace, not on the exhausting pursuit of trying to earn a place in someone else’s story.
So take a deep breath, pack your bags, and step into this new chapter with hope.
There will be joy and heartbreak, beauty and pain, victories and failures. You’ll make mistakes, learn hard lessons, and carry a few scars along the way. But you’ll also build a life filled with love, laughter, faith, and people who matter deeply.
And despite everything, you’ll make it through.
Your future self,
Dave
P.S. Please give some thought to the reception venue. Choose a place where guests can enjoy a drink, hit the dance floor, and properly celebrate. It might even help counter a tendency toward over-piety. Your visiting family and friends will thank you for it, and it might save them from ending the night at Hooters in the mall.
And have a proper wedding cake.